Post by ThatPhillyKid on Apr 27, 2009 18:31:25 GMT -5
I don't know about you guys but I found this to be funny.
The NFL Draft is this weekend and in celebration, Mike D'Alonzo and I sat down and asked ourselves, "If the Earth were made of chocolate and the NFL decided to draft video game characters instead of actual football players, who would each team choose?" The first part of that question is probably inconsequential; however, the latter sent our little minds into a tizzy.
The only rule: teams cannot draft any character who has appeared in a football-related video game. Check out what we came up with...
NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft--First Round
Detroit Lions - Mario the Plumber/WR: Mario Series - Detroit not only has a long tradition of drafting wide receivers in the first round, they also need a franchise guy who's going to get people in the seats at Ford Field. What better franchise guy than the man who started the franchise? Mario. FTW.
St. Louis Rams - Tingle/K: The Legend of Zelda Series - The unsung hero of Zelda, Tingle does well by flying under the radar, which will work for the Rams. With a team that doesn't move the ball down the field, they need an excellent kicker. Plus, the reaction when someone mentions the Rams is the same as the reaction when someone mentions Tingle, "Oh yeah, I like that guy..."
Kansas City Chiefs - Big Daddy/LT: Bioshock - Let's face it, the Chiefs are a running team, and they need some meat on the line to move that backfield. And what better than a guy that's not only built like a brick s**thouse, but also wears a diving bell and has a drill for an arm...literally.
Feed Exclusive: NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft
Seattle Seahawks - Carmen Sandiego/FS: Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? - The Seattle Seahawks have always played football with a dose of class and style, and Carmen Sandiego fits into that philosophy well. Wearing her stylish hat under her helmet, as a free safety, Sandiego will take the ball and everyone will wonder, "where did she go?" Stealing the beans from Lima and having sex with each and every member of Rockapella doesn't hurt her thuggish image, either.
Cleveland Browns - The Dog From Duck Hunt/FB: Duck Hunt - Cleveland is the home of the Dawg Pound, and this dog is one of the most frustrating characters in the history of videogames, just as Cleveland is one of the most frustrating franchises...nay, cities, on Earth. Fits in with the blue collar ethic, as he actually wears a collar. Also, delivers crushing blocks from the fullback position.
Cincinnati Bengals - Tiger Woods/QB: Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 - Undisputably the best golfer ever, this Tiger has grown weary of a good walk ruined, and wants to try his hand at something a little bit more intense. A born leader, Tiger will be replacing the useless Carson Palmer, and continuing to have sex with his super hot Scandinavian wife. Tiger...the Bengals...get it?
Oakland Raiders - 50 Cent/ILB: 50 Cent: Blood On The Sand - Thugs and Oakland are about as synonomous as peas and carrots...if peas were to represent AK-47's, and carrots were to be sticky grenades. Seriously, Fiddy will scare the crap out of the opposition coming from the inside linebacker position. Even Ray Lewis will cower, who may or may not have actually killed someone in real life. Dag.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Marketing Manager/Cheerleader: Rock Band 2 - The Jags are a fine team. They always linger somewhere close to the top of the pack. But, the problem is, who gives a crap about Jacksonville, where old people go to die? That's why, instead of an on-the-field weapon, they need someone who can help them gain fans...and who better than the marketing manager from Rock Band 2?
Green Bay Packers - Wayne Holden/RB: Lost Planet - It's cold in Wisconsin. How cold? So cold that people wear blocks of cheese on their heads to try and make sense of it all. That's why they need someone who can deal with the cold, and who better than Wayne Holden, who traverses the snowy terrain of Lost Planet without freezing to death? Plus, he can run in the snow.
San Francisco 49ers - The Prospector/Prospector: LOTR Online - There's no hope for the 49ers, but there's gold in them thar hills...and, maybe if they ask nicely, this guy will make them some new helmets.
Feed Exclusive: NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft
Buffalo Bills - The Banker/TE: Oregon Trail - If he has not died of dysentary by draft day, The Banker, who the citizenry of Buffalo will enter a lottery to name, should be the right choice here. After all, he hunts buffalo, and he has a lot of folding green. Also, he's a superior route runner.
Denver Broncos - Norway, Country of/OL: Salt Lake City 2002 - Hoping to snag The Prospector, the Broncos have been forced to scramble. The entire Norweigian Olympic Team from Salt Lake City 2002 will make for an extremely strong and pleasant-smelling offensive line, making them the least offensive offensive line in the game. Also...um...hey, Jay Cutler...how you like us now?
Washington Redskins - SackBoy/DT: LittleBigPlanet - First off, you can hardly go wrong with a defensive tackle named SackBoy. Second, his amazing costume work will meld well with Clinton Portis, with whom he will be teammates. Also, and appropos of nothing, he can break light bulbs with his head.
New Orleans Saints - Lara Croft/C: Tomb Raider: Underworld - Because Lara Croft is equipped to work underwater, she will fit right in in New Orleans. She has her own wetsuit and everything! Also, she can earn a ton of beads at Mardi Gras, and she arguably looks like Kim Kardashian, so Reggie Bush will feel right at home.
Houston Texans - The Joker/KR: Batman: Arkham Asylum - First off, everyone knows The Joker is the best kick returner in the draft. Second, the Texans have no face for their team, so what better than a mangled face with a crudely-drawn, sewn-up smile to represent the double-edged sword that is living in Houston?
San Diego Chargers - Surfer Guy/WR: California Games - This was a natural choice for San Diego, known for their sprawling beaches, laid-back lifestyle, and toe injuries. As a wide receiver, Surfer Dude will catch balls and avoid sharks.
New York Jets - Elliott Maslow/CB: Lost: Via Domus - As a survivor of a plane crash that leaves him feeling disoriented with no idea where he is and what he's doing, Elliot will be right at home in Coach Eric Mangini's system. Plus, he has a lot of experience with jets...get it?
Feed Exclusive: NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft
Denver Broncos - German Democratic Republic/DL: Summer Games - In East Germany, they raise their women strong and sexually ambigious, which is exactly why when the Denver Broncos needed a new defensive line, they decided to go with the entirety of the East German track and field team. Don't mention that any of the girls have moustaches...they might eat you.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - The Pirates/RB: MLB: The Show - The Bucs are the lamest pirates in sports, so, to go with them, they've selected another group of lame pirates to fail with them. At least it won't cost much to sign them, as the Pittsburgh Pirates have a lower collective payroll than Alex Rodriguez's yearly salary...and that's a fact.
Detroit Lions - Crazy Taxi/Transpo Captain: Crazy Taxi - After spending all that money on a new logo, the Lions had to scale back their operational budget. But they still need to get places, right? That's where Crazy Taxi comes in. They may not make it there in the fastest way, but they will make it in the craziest way.
Philadelphia Eagles - Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man/WR: Ghostbusters: The Videogame - First off, Andy Reid likes guys who look like him. Second, the Eagles are always prone to draft people who no one will cop to having thought of, but who bring disaster in the nicest way possible. There won't even be an announcement, he will just show up, put on the jersey, and lead them to a succession of 8-8 seasons.
Minnesota Vikings - Baleog the Fierce/DT: The Lost Vikings - After already having dealt with and defeating Tormator, winning that lame-ass division should be no problem. He even has fierce in his name. So does Beyonce.
New England Patriots - Sheva Alomar/P: Resident Evil 5 - We curse the Patriots to having this bag of meat to have to take care of, and watch them try and play games with her useless self following them all around. Note: Sheva Alomar is also known as Gisele Bundchen. They both waste ammo and heal you at the wrong times. Hopefully, one of them will kill Tom Brady.
Feed Exclusive: NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft
Atlanta Falcons - Nintendogs/QB: Nintendogs - They have some apologizing to do.
Miami Dolphins - Ecco the Dolphin/K: Ecco the Dolphin - Have you ever seen those trained dolphins kick? They are so cute. Plus, he looks just like the mascot on their aquamarine and old-people orange helmets. Plus, how long can Olindo Mare continue to kick until his leg falls off completely? Not much longer, friends. Not much longer.
Baltimore Ravens - Tommy Vercetti/QB: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City - He and Joe Flacco can duke it out for the quarterback position, and who has the most ridiculous Italian stereotyped name at the same time. Our money's on Vercetti, on both counts.
Indianapolis Colts - Agro/RT: Shadow of the Colossus - Peyton Manning needs some protection on his front side, and looking at a horse's ass is something he's familiar with. We're talking to you, Jeff Saturday.
Buffalo Bills - Soapy Jennings/RB: Gun - Who wouldn't love a guy named Soapy? The rough and tumble lifestyle of the wild, wild west has prepared Soapy well for the mean streets of Buffalo, New York. He also loves chicken wings.
New York Giants - Amoeba/Offensive Coordinator: Spore - He'll have the world's smallest custom-designed headset. And he'll run the Wildcat formation over and over and over again. His size is an advantage for staying out of the way of Bill Bellichek's camera.
Tennessee Titans - Gaia/QB: God of War 2 - Who better to run the Titans than the Queen of the Titans? Also, Vince Young is bats**t crazy and Kerry Collins is old. And neither of them are gigantic trees. So they're going to have some stiff competition.
Arizona Cardinals - Cole Train/RB: Gears of War - The Cardinals need a closer, and they're going to get one in Cole Train from Gears of War. It's never nap time, baby!
Pittsburgh Steelers - Master Chief/C: Halo 3 - The OG of badasses heads to the six-time world champs. Master Chief is the best, and it only makes sense that he would go to the best franchise in the NFL. Plus, everybody knows that Master Chief loves fries on a salad. And living in Pittsburgh is like living post-armageddon, so he'll be at home there.
G4tv.com
The NFL Draft is this weekend and in celebration, Mike D'Alonzo and I sat down and asked ourselves, "If the Earth were made of chocolate and the NFL decided to draft video game characters instead of actual football players, who would each team choose?" The first part of that question is probably inconsequential; however, the latter sent our little minds into a tizzy.
The only rule: teams cannot draft any character who has appeared in a football-related video game. Check out what we came up with...
NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft--First Round
Detroit Lions - Mario the Plumber/WR: Mario Series - Detroit not only has a long tradition of drafting wide receivers in the first round, they also need a franchise guy who's going to get people in the seats at Ford Field. What better franchise guy than the man who started the franchise? Mario. FTW.
St. Louis Rams - Tingle/K: The Legend of Zelda Series - The unsung hero of Zelda, Tingle does well by flying under the radar, which will work for the Rams. With a team that doesn't move the ball down the field, they need an excellent kicker. Plus, the reaction when someone mentions the Rams is the same as the reaction when someone mentions Tingle, "Oh yeah, I like that guy..."
Kansas City Chiefs - Big Daddy/LT: Bioshock - Let's face it, the Chiefs are a running team, and they need some meat on the line to move that backfield. And what better than a guy that's not only built like a brick s**thouse, but also wears a diving bell and has a drill for an arm...literally.
Feed Exclusive: NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft
Seattle Seahawks - Carmen Sandiego/FS: Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? - The Seattle Seahawks have always played football with a dose of class and style, and Carmen Sandiego fits into that philosophy well. Wearing her stylish hat under her helmet, as a free safety, Sandiego will take the ball and everyone will wonder, "where did she go?" Stealing the beans from Lima and having sex with each and every member of Rockapella doesn't hurt her thuggish image, either.
Cleveland Browns - The Dog From Duck Hunt/FB: Duck Hunt - Cleveland is the home of the Dawg Pound, and this dog is one of the most frustrating characters in the history of videogames, just as Cleveland is one of the most frustrating franchises...nay, cities, on Earth. Fits in with the blue collar ethic, as he actually wears a collar. Also, delivers crushing blocks from the fullback position.
Cincinnati Bengals - Tiger Woods/QB: Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 - Undisputably the best golfer ever, this Tiger has grown weary of a good walk ruined, and wants to try his hand at something a little bit more intense. A born leader, Tiger will be replacing the useless Carson Palmer, and continuing to have sex with his super hot Scandinavian wife. Tiger...the Bengals...get it?
Oakland Raiders - 50 Cent/ILB: 50 Cent: Blood On The Sand - Thugs and Oakland are about as synonomous as peas and carrots...if peas were to represent AK-47's, and carrots were to be sticky grenades. Seriously, Fiddy will scare the crap out of the opposition coming from the inside linebacker position. Even Ray Lewis will cower, who may or may not have actually killed someone in real life. Dag.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Marketing Manager/Cheerleader: Rock Band 2 - The Jags are a fine team. They always linger somewhere close to the top of the pack. But, the problem is, who gives a crap about Jacksonville, where old people go to die? That's why, instead of an on-the-field weapon, they need someone who can help them gain fans...and who better than the marketing manager from Rock Band 2?
Green Bay Packers - Wayne Holden/RB: Lost Planet - It's cold in Wisconsin. How cold? So cold that people wear blocks of cheese on their heads to try and make sense of it all. That's why they need someone who can deal with the cold, and who better than Wayne Holden, who traverses the snowy terrain of Lost Planet without freezing to death? Plus, he can run in the snow.
San Francisco 49ers - The Prospector/Prospector: LOTR Online - There's no hope for the 49ers, but there's gold in them thar hills...and, maybe if they ask nicely, this guy will make them some new helmets.
Feed Exclusive: NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft
Buffalo Bills - The Banker/TE: Oregon Trail - If he has not died of dysentary by draft day, The Banker, who the citizenry of Buffalo will enter a lottery to name, should be the right choice here. After all, he hunts buffalo, and he has a lot of folding green. Also, he's a superior route runner.
Denver Broncos - Norway, Country of/OL: Salt Lake City 2002 - Hoping to snag The Prospector, the Broncos have been forced to scramble. The entire Norweigian Olympic Team from Salt Lake City 2002 will make for an extremely strong and pleasant-smelling offensive line, making them the least offensive offensive line in the game. Also...um...hey, Jay Cutler...how you like us now?
Washington Redskins - SackBoy/DT: LittleBigPlanet - First off, you can hardly go wrong with a defensive tackle named SackBoy. Second, his amazing costume work will meld well with Clinton Portis, with whom he will be teammates. Also, and appropos of nothing, he can break light bulbs with his head.
New Orleans Saints - Lara Croft/C: Tomb Raider: Underworld - Because Lara Croft is equipped to work underwater, she will fit right in in New Orleans. She has her own wetsuit and everything! Also, she can earn a ton of beads at Mardi Gras, and she arguably looks like Kim Kardashian, so Reggie Bush will feel right at home.
Houston Texans - The Joker/KR: Batman: Arkham Asylum - First off, everyone knows The Joker is the best kick returner in the draft. Second, the Texans have no face for their team, so what better than a mangled face with a crudely-drawn, sewn-up smile to represent the double-edged sword that is living in Houston?
San Diego Chargers - Surfer Guy/WR: California Games - This was a natural choice for San Diego, known for their sprawling beaches, laid-back lifestyle, and toe injuries. As a wide receiver, Surfer Dude will catch balls and avoid sharks.
New York Jets - Elliott Maslow/CB: Lost: Via Domus - As a survivor of a plane crash that leaves him feeling disoriented with no idea where he is and what he's doing, Elliot will be right at home in Coach Eric Mangini's system. Plus, he has a lot of experience with jets...get it?
Feed Exclusive: NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft
Denver Broncos - German Democratic Republic/DL: Summer Games - In East Germany, they raise their women strong and sexually ambigious, which is exactly why when the Denver Broncos needed a new defensive line, they decided to go with the entirety of the East German track and field team. Don't mention that any of the girls have moustaches...they might eat you.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - The Pirates/RB: MLB: The Show - The Bucs are the lamest pirates in sports, so, to go with them, they've selected another group of lame pirates to fail with them. At least it won't cost much to sign them, as the Pittsburgh Pirates have a lower collective payroll than Alex Rodriguez's yearly salary...and that's a fact.
Detroit Lions - Crazy Taxi/Transpo Captain: Crazy Taxi - After spending all that money on a new logo, the Lions had to scale back their operational budget. But they still need to get places, right? That's where Crazy Taxi comes in. They may not make it there in the fastest way, but they will make it in the craziest way.
Philadelphia Eagles - Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man/WR: Ghostbusters: The Videogame - First off, Andy Reid likes guys who look like him. Second, the Eagles are always prone to draft people who no one will cop to having thought of, but who bring disaster in the nicest way possible. There won't even be an announcement, he will just show up, put on the jersey, and lead them to a succession of 8-8 seasons.
Minnesota Vikings - Baleog the Fierce/DT: The Lost Vikings - After already having dealt with and defeating Tormator, winning that lame-ass division should be no problem. He even has fierce in his name. So does Beyonce.
New England Patriots - Sheva Alomar/P: Resident Evil 5 - We curse the Patriots to having this bag of meat to have to take care of, and watch them try and play games with her useless self following them all around. Note: Sheva Alomar is also known as Gisele Bundchen. They both waste ammo and heal you at the wrong times. Hopefully, one of them will kill Tom Brady.
Feed Exclusive: NFL Video Game Character Mock Draft
Atlanta Falcons - Nintendogs/QB: Nintendogs - They have some apologizing to do.
Miami Dolphins - Ecco the Dolphin/K: Ecco the Dolphin - Have you ever seen those trained dolphins kick? They are so cute. Plus, he looks just like the mascot on their aquamarine and old-people orange helmets. Plus, how long can Olindo Mare continue to kick until his leg falls off completely? Not much longer, friends. Not much longer.
Baltimore Ravens - Tommy Vercetti/QB: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City - He and Joe Flacco can duke it out for the quarterback position, and who has the most ridiculous Italian stereotyped name at the same time. Our money's on Vercetti, on both counts.
Indianapolis Colts - Agro/RT: Shadow of the Colossus - Peyton Manning needs some protection on his front side, and looking at a horse's ass is something he's familiar with. We're talking to you, Jeff Saturday.
Buffalo Bills - Soapy Jennings/RB: Gun - Who wouldn't love a guy named Soapy? The rough and tumble lifestyle of the wild, wild west has prepared Soapy well for the mean streets of Buffalo, New York. He also loves chicken wings.
New York Giants - Amoeba/Offensive Coordinator: Spore - He'll have the world's smallest custom-designed headset. And he'll run the Wildcat formation over and over and over again. His size is an advantage for staying out of the way of Bill Bellichek's camera.
Tennessee Titans - Gaia/QB: God of War 2 - Who better to run the Titans than the Queen of the Titans? Also, Vince Young is bats**t crazy and Kerry Collins is old. And neither of them are gigantic trees. So they're going to have some stiff competition.
Arizona Cardinals - Cole Train/RB: Gears of War - The Cardinals need a closer, and they're going to get one in Cole Train from Gears of War. It's never nap time, baby!
Pittsburgh Steelers - Master Chief/C: Halo 3 - The OG of badasses heads to the six-time world champs. Master Chief is the best, and it only makes sense that he would go to the best franchise in the NFL. Plus, everybody knows that Master Chief loves fries on a salad. And living in Pittsburgh is like living post-armageddon, so he'll be at home there.
G4tv.com
